Your complete guide to social distancing and self-isolating — the super gay way

An east coast Echo correspondent helps you counter boredom in the age of Coronavirus

Courtesy of EpicTopTen.com

By Mikey Rox

As the protocol for social distancing and self-isolation tightens around the country — per CDC and White House recommendations amid mounting coronavirus cases — follow this guide to staying occupied in a very gay way.

Watch queer hottie Nico Tortorella read you his book

Gender-fluid sex symbol and actor Nico Tortorella began reading a chapter a day from his book Space Between, a personal memoir of love, identity, and acceptance, on March 21. You can access the archived videos on his Instagram stories @nicotortorella.

Write positive reviews for your favorite LGBTQ-owned businesses

With LGBTQ bars dwindling – and perhaps more going away for good as a result of the coronavirus crisis that has shut down most gathering places —now’s the time to show them love. Head to Yelp and write positive reviews to boost business when business resumes. Don’t limit yourself to bars though. Leave reviews for more LGBTQ-owned establishments like restaurants, campgrounds, resorts, hotels, tour companies, and other services.

Play a Drag Race drinking game

Every time a queen cries or rolls her eyes, take a sip of your quarantini.

Calm yourself by watching plants grow

Sure, watching plants grow sounds about as fun as re-watching AJ and the Queen, but during this time of high-anxiety, relaxation techniques are necessary. The Facebook page Funny Lover hosts a five-minute video titled “The Amazing Dance of Nature: Watch Plants Grow” that will have you in a moment of Zen by the end.

Sing along to your favorite Broadway musicals

With your seven-day free trial from BroadwayHD.com, you can stream a wide catalog of classic and new musicals, including Kinky BootsThe King and ISound of Music, and a stage version of Cats that won’t have Taylor Swift terrorizing your nightmares. Pour your fancy ass a glass of bubbly and belt out your favorite show tunes for the whole gayborhood to hear.

Cook with Antoni Porowski

Queer Eye’s professional hotdog chef is expanding his culinary skills in a series of Instagram cooking videos he’s calling “Quar Eye: Cooking Lessons in Quarantine,” where he’ll show you how to make ordinary dishes, like omelets, zoodles with meat, leftovers, salmon and squash, and chicken. You won’t actually learn much, but whatever, he’s hot.

Binge queer TV, movies, news, and podcasts

Try to limit your couch potato time while sheltering in place — spring and summer aren’t canceled quite yet — but when you do need to veg out and distract, stream new queer content including the drama film I Am Jonas and Fortune Feimster’s hilarious standup special Sweet & Salty on Netflix, Q News Tonight available live nightly at 7 p.m. EDT on its same-name website, or download the LGBT Stories podcast from creator and host Kevin Gerdes via iTunes and Spotify.

Attend a virtual church service at Christ Lutheran Church Webster Groves

This Missouri-based Reconciling in Christ congregation became an all-are-welcome church two years ago and recently named a lesbian as its new pastor. Its in-person services are canceled for the time being, but pastor Meagan is continuing to deliver faith and testimony to anyone who wants to tune in live via Zoom through the church’s Facebook page on Sundays at 9:30 a.m. CDT and Wednesday evenings at 7 p.m. CDT.

Stay fit with live workouts online

Planet Fitness is offering ‘Home Work-Ins” to members and nonmembers alike on its Facebook page, streamed live Mondays to Fridays at 7 p.m. EDT for the duration of the gym’s physical-location shutdowns. No equipment is needed and all classes will be 20 minutes or less. Of course, you can always rely on your thirst-trap gym rats on Instagram to give you a workout — however you see fit. 

Tour museum exhibits and enjoy symphonies virtually

Tour the Louvre’s Egyptian antiquities department and the recently restored Galerie d’Apollon, Madrid’s Museo Nacional Thyssen-Bornemisza “Rembrandt and Portraiture in Amsterdam, 1590-1670” exhibit, and the Vatican Museums Sistine Chapel and Raphael’s Rooms through the respective institutions’ online portals. You also can take a self-guided virtual tour of the National Museum of Natural History in New York, made possible by the Smithsonian. The Philharmonie Berlin offers its digital library of more than 600 shows while the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra is live-streaming its performances on YouTube free of charge until live in-house performances resume.

Get to know Chaturbate again

Be a good human, turn off the sex apps to mitigate the spread of all viruses, and practice self-love. You know what to do, pro.